Final Fantasy X 2 Review
From LoveToKnow VideoGames
Reviewed by: Doctor Gonzo
Platform Reviewed: PS2
Final Fantasy X-2: What the @%#$?
What the @$%#? That’s a good question. Buckle up kids, we’re in for a maelstrom of hate for this one… and this is coming from the guy that hails himself as the super-nerd of all things Final Fantasy. This is probably why I’m so offended by this steamer. But, I have a job to do and I must be professional for a moment. *clears throat*
Final Fantasy X-2 is the first linear sequel to a Final Fantasy -- ever. Keep in mind that this is something fans have been craving for eons… a continuation to one of their most beloved Final Fantasy titles. Well, this taught us all a valuable lesson. Shut up and be happy with what they give you. This sequel to Final Fantasy part ten (hence the X part deux) should not be confused with the MMORPG Final Fantasy XI or any other of these confusing possibilities: FF 102, FF X- the Home Train-wreck Edition, or even Final Fantasy at all really, because you’ll find that though you may recognize the characters, there are very few similarities to this game and its ten predecessors.
Game Story
The story starts with Lady Yuna, once proud summoner who brought the Eternal Calm and triumphed over evil in Final Fantasy X. You may be asking yourself, what is she up to now? Well, shame on you for opening Pandora’s Box with your infernal questioning! She’s a Pop-Singer. I’m serious. I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried.
You go on to reunite with Rikku, who seems to be Yuna’s bodyguard or life companion. I don’t really know to be honest. I think half way through the Charlie’s Angels opening my brain shut off to protect it from incurring any further damage.
Then enter Paine, who appears to be wrapped up in a lawsuit with Lulu (from FF X) for likeness rights. Of course, all litigation ended when Square realized they were ripping off their own character! They don’t even try to explain Paine until it’s far too late and I had already made my opinion of both her and the game. I mean, after so many games, no doubt they are having problems being original, but try to at least keep your re-hashed characters out of each others sequels, will ya?
In any case, these three girls go tromping off to meet all of the reject characters that you hated from FF X, only this time they’ve got much bigger parts and you have to see them over and over again.
A Little about the Gameplay
Okay, I have one extremely positive thing to say about this game, so I’m going to get that out of the way before I get lost in my complaints and forget it existed. This game probably had the coolest fighting system of any Final Fantasy I have ever played. It actually had me excited about all of those random battles that I usually find so annoying about twenty hours in to an RPG. It was a classic job class system with a twist - You could change classes on the fly in the middle of battle, allowing the sexually frustrated nerd to further his/her need for therapy by showing you a Sailor Moon style costume change in battle. Not only that, but if you completed a certain chain, you could transform into your gi-normous character specific job class. It had me sold from the very first battle. Now before you start to think about actually buying Final Fantasy X-2, I need to tell you why you’d be a moron if you did.
This game seems like it was pitched by some grammar school girl who happens to have a Daddy that works for Square. He must’ve thought that it was so cute that he told somebody about it at the water cooler, and then word got passed around and they made the game as a joke, leaving the development and design to the very grammar school student who originally pitched the flopper.
Secondly, one of the most notable things about the entire series of Final Fantasy games has been the beautifully orchestrated music. I recently was able to actually meet Nobuo Uemastu (the composer for almost all of the music since the first), and I witnessed his orchestra perform all of the classic songs that defined exactly how much of a nerd I am. I figured he was on board for this game, but instantaneously realized I was very wrong. They replaced the complex stylings of the man I call… well, the Man, with the overly simplistic, hauntingly annoying jazz that you’d expect to find in the elevator of a cheap pornographic flick.
The Doctor’s Orders
This video game may cause nausea, vomiting, head aches, spontaneously inappropriate use of the gag reflex, diarrhea, hemorrhaging of the abdomen, pregnancy, cancer, hemorrhoids, extreme frustration, dizziness, fatigue, dry mouth, the Plague, Sars, Hepatitis A through Z, flatulence, pink eye, inability to be cool, misfired synapses, extreme use of profanity and aggression, gonorrhea, leprosy, bloody stool, dismemberment of yourself and others. Avoid this game at all costs, as prolonged exposure can result in blindness and loss of hearing. Harmful or fatal if swallowed. If this is an emergency, please call 911 or contact your local poison control center for further instruction.
Seriously though, this game gave me a rash.
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